The Best of WallpaperStore*
If you've been paying attention to the news lately, you may have noticed that wealth disparity has become a hot topic in a way not seen since France circa July 1789. In times like this, a little humanity can go a long way. It behooves us all to reach across the aisle--or rather, up (way, way up)--to where our Capitalist god-kings dwell in their bronze-electroplated homes, and take a look at how people live when they can afford to blow an entire annual salary every month on tasteless crap.
And so, WallpaperStore* (the asterisk is part of the name). A self-described "creative marketplace" for home and office products by internationally renowned designers and artists, WallpaperStore* is a surreal, Twilight Zone-esque vortex of poor taste and artery-bursting price tags. To browse its pages is to descend into a dizzying alternate universe of hand-cut marble facades and brushed-brass. Before long, you begin to wonder if you've accidentally stumbled into the initiation rites for an Eyes Wide Shut-style one-percenter sex cult.
For your convenience and peace of mind, I've done the hard work for you. Here, in handy list form, is the Best of WallpaperStore*.
Brass Cake Shovel
What is it?
A cake server
What they say
"Taken from Grace Souky's 12-piece 'Domestic Collectables' collection, the 'T4' cake server brings an elegance and sophistication to any table setting — formal or informal. Crafted from brass plated steel, the server is ideal for use alongside any of the collection's 'T4' cake stands for a complementary set that is equally functional and beautiful."
How much?
€74
Is it worth it?
I, personally, have never used a dedicated instrument to extract a slice of cake, although I confess that that may just be me and my rustic ways. Even still, I'm reasonably certain that if you do need a wedge-shaped implement to do this, you can probably buy a plastic one at your local supermarket for, let's say, 1% of the cost of this one.
But hey, it's made of brass! (Roughly 80% of the items on WallpaperStore* are made of or heavily incorporate brass, possibly because it looks like gold but isn't as expensive).
Of course, one cannot have a dedicated cake server without also having a matching cake surface. As per the store description, the T4 server pairs well with the T4 Cake Stand, available for a mere €295 in either wood or marble. Amusingly, the stand seems to just be the "S1" serving tray, but with a Not-Gold brass doohickey attached to the bottom of it.
Etsy Alternative
For each item on this list, I decided to look for the equivalent on Etsy or some other marketplace for bespoke hand-crafted items and compare prices. Remember, buying from these sites gives money directly to artists and crafters, as opposed to manufacturers and retail outlets.
Doing a search for brass cake servers brings up several genuine antiques selling for higher than WallpeperStore*'s shovel, but also a number of vintage-style brass items for far less, including this nice little number for less than €20.
Cock
What is it?
An abstract porcelain chicken.
What they say
"Spanish porcelain maker Sargadelos’ richly hued, original designs are inspired by the traditions and motifs of Galician culture. This delightful fellow is one of a series of cockerels, in different poses, and is certainly an objet to crow about. Like all Sargadelos’ pieces, it is hand decorated and finished in Galicia."
How much?
€372
Is it worth it?
There isn't much to say about the Cock CG1. It's a porcelain chicken. You put it on a shelf and, I guess, look at it from time of time. In the grand scheme of things, €372 isn't that expensive for a piece of mildly upscale home decoration.
The reason I highlighted this item (I mean, the other reason I highlighted it) is to point out that a lot of WallpaperStore*'s home decorations are--even accounting for personal taste--kind of hideous. One of my grandmothers used to have a room full of the kinds of tacky things old people acquire late in life, including a mezmerizingly hideous blown-glass fish from Spain, and the Cock CG1 brought back vivid childhood memories of staring at it during long visits.
So thanks for that, WallpaperStore*.
Etsy Alternative
I started out my Etsy search by typing in "cock", which as you can imagine brought up all sorts of delightful results, but changing the search term to "porcelain chicken" was closer to the mark. The winner was this delightfully minamlistic fellow, comparable in size to the Cock CG1 and on sale for only €29.39.
Non-Euclidean Geometry
What is it?
A rug
What they say
"Taken from 'Visioni', Patricia Urquiola's two-piece collection for the Milan-based rug producer cc-tapis, 'Visioni A' seamlessly blends ancient production techniques with a contemporary aesthetic. This handwoven Himalayan wool rug features bold, abstract graphics defined by sharp black lines that together affirm Urquiola's commitment in this series to fusing tradition with ultra modern quirks."
How much?
€6,190 (no, really)
Is it worth it?
Just looking at the photos of this is giving me a headache. I can't even really tell what it's supposed to look like; is the white space in the image part of the rug, or just the photo background? Does it actually have such an irregular outline, or is there some sort of filler to make it rectangular? Why in the holy name of God does it cost so much?
Etsy Alternative
I wasn't able to find anything exactly like the Visioni rug on Etsy, which I frankly take as a sign of good taste on the part of the site's users. Instead, try this neat rhombus rug; at €38.35 it costs less than 1% the price and doesn't come with the risk of debilitating neurological symptoms.
420 360
What is it?
A weed-patterned plate
What they say
"Throw together Italian design brand Seletti with contemporary cultural pioneers Studio Job and the result is 'Blow', a cheeky cult collection of rugs, neon lamps, porcelain plates and furniture. This porcelain dinner plate depicts marijuana against a black background for a distinct piece that is part object, part sculpture."
How much?
€29
Is it worth it?
Whatever else you can say about WallpaperStore*'s catalogue (which is a lot, as it turns out), most of the things they sell at least look upscale and expensive. And then we have this, a plate with a weed pattern on it, which looks like someone got it at a flea market for €1.50.
€29 appears to be one of the cheapest prices on the site, but I frankly think someone would need to pay me to put this in my house, let alone use it to eat off of.
Etsy Alternative
If you really require a marijuana-themed plate, you can score one on Etsy for about €10 less. I suppose that's really not much of a difference, so you may as well just buy whichever one appeals to you most.
Still, though...really?
Paleo Paperweights
What is it?
Paperweights
What they say
"From Lebanese designer Karen Chekerdjian's 'Archetypes' collection, 'Flint' is a pair of paperweights that draws influence from an implement which for millions of years was essential to life. Originally used as a cutting utensil, scraping implement, fire-starter, weapon and weapon, the stone tool is reimagined here in brushed brass and repurposed as a sturdy paperweight. The result is a piece that is both practical and sculptural."
(Yes, any typos you see in the product descriptions were there in the original versions as of the writing of this blog post. Half the text on the website feels like it was written by a poorly-coded AI.)
How much?
€351
Is it worth it?
Here we have something that is at least well-made and quite beautiful to look at. Made out of brushed Not-Gold, the Flint paperweights really are eye-catching.
Oddly, I actually feel like their status as mass-produced products (paperweights, no less--does anyone even still use those?) actually devalues them. If they were sold as one of a kind works of art and I was rich enough to afford it, I'd probably pay significantly more than the asking price and put them in a nice display case in my London loft apartment that I would also own; but as pieces of rich-person tat, they don't seem worth €350.
Etsy Alternative
This one was interesting. There are a lot of brass doodads in the shape of flints on Etsy (most of them bearing some combination of ETHNIC TRIBAL NATIVE AMERICAN in the description so you really know what you're getting into), but they all seem to be small pieces of jewelry or pendants, which isn't really a fair comparison.
On the other hand, if you want something made out of actual flint, you quickly start getting into prices comparable to, or even exceeding, WallpaperStore*'s paperweights. The difference is that these are actually hand-crafted, one of a kind pieces, such as this pendant or this "archaic" knife.
And there's a whole bunch of people on Ebay who'll sell you supposedly genuine neolithic flint blades and arrowheads for a fraction of the cost of all of these, although caveat extremely emptor unless you're an archaeologist and know how to verify that personally.
Fragile Boulder
What is it?
A papier mache rock
What they say
"Isabelle de Borchgrave has made an impact in the world of fashion and design. Her collaboration with Serax is turning her fantasy and imagination into art that is accessible to all. ‘Milieux de vos tables’, her hand-painted paper collection was inspired by Tunisian and Coptic ceramics. This large blue boulder, made of papier-mâché, would be a tasteful addition for the mantelpiece."
How much?
€28
Is it worth it?
How the hell do they ship this to you without crushing it? It's made out of papier mache.
Etsy Alternative
It's made out of papier mache. Just make your own.
Skewers For Unspecified Flesh
What is it?
Uh
What they say
"Marc Baroud's 'Flesh Toys' are a subtle shape interpretation of six sex toy archetypes. The 12 handmade copper skewers have a rough finish of gold or chrome plating and draw on the designer's phobia of dining utensils and cutlery, offering a positive — and sensual — spin on such items. Available exclusively through WallpaperSTORE*, the 'Flesh Toys' was commissioned for The Shop, an offering of home and office products selected by House of Today, WallpaperSTORE* and guest curator Nicolas Bellavance-Lecompte."
How much?
€670
Is it worth it?
What the fuck are you meant to use these for? Why are they shaped like sex toys? Are they sex toys? If they're not sex toys then why are they shaped like sex toys?
Etsy Alternative
I'm too scared to look.
Interlude: Beyond the Handmade Portal
So. How are we doing? Is there a ringing in your ears? Do you feel vaguely angry, for reasons you can't quite identify? Take a few deep breaths. Maybe go for a little walk. We are about to descend into the stygian depths, from which there may be no return.
On WallpaperStore*'s navigation bar, there's a link about three-quarters across that says "Handmade". Unlike the other links, that one doesn't show you a little preview of the products behind it. That's because the Handmade section is where the Real Shit is. I am reasonably certain--literally, this isn't a joke--that most of the items here are intended to be used in occult rituals. When ordinary plebs yearn for alternative spirituality, they buy books about Chakra tea or get into Wicca or something. When rich people feel the same longing, they go to the Handmade section of WallpaperStore* and spend a middle-class monthly salary on candlestick holders.
Here, in it's entirety, is the text that greets you when you enter WallpaperStore* handmade. I must once again emphasize that I did not make any of this up.
"For the last eight years, Wallpaper* has acted as client, patron and creative director, commissioning the world's finest artists, designers, craftsmen and manufacturers to collaborate on one-of-a-kind pieces. This year we invite you to fall down on your knees and worship at the altar of Holy Handmade! for our annual Handmade 2017 showcase held in Milan during Salone. Mindful of mindfulness and the collective spiritual quest, we’ve tasked a host of design talent to reimagine ritual, rework worship and reconsider the communal. Now, you can buy some of these unique wonders right here.
Have you spotted our Holy QR Codes, scattered in the blackness of the night by agents of the One Collective around upscale hotels and corporate lobbies in major cities all over the world? Scan them with a phone connected to a $500+ per month data plan, and follow the limousine that arrives to guide you. Enter the Crimson Door. Don the Grey Robe. The lights are going out one by one. There is only one path. Save yourself."
...Okay, I made up that second paragraph. But seriously, how long did it take you to catch on?
Table That's Also a Vase
What is it?
A table that's also a vase
What they say
"In our busy modern lives, there is rarely time for meditation. Happily, Studiopepe and Agape have helped us integrate the concept into our domestic interiors with this multifaceted table that features a natural tabletop of Nero Marquina marble. Three brass legs, one of which also serves as a vase, complete the piece."
How much?
€4,275
Is it worth it?
I don't know a lot about meditation, but I have trouble seeing how a table with a tree sticking out of it is meant to aid in focusing and calming the mind. Unless you're supposed to meditate on how much money you spent on it.
Etsy Alternative
You could achieve the same effect by just putting a vase on a table.
The World's Most Impractical Tray
What is it?
A tray seemingly designed by Gustav Klimt
What they say
"Taking inspiration from the utensils used in meditative Japanese tea ceremonies, Kostas Murkudis’ tablet evokes the trays used to carry teapots and cups, which are more usually crafted in lacquered or unlacquered wood. This design has instead been created in coloured glass, and plays with concepts of reflection, fragility and sensuality."
How much?
€3,000
Is it worth it?
The following is a list of objects that would warrant being carried on a €3,000 tray:
- William Shakespeare's skull
- A gold-encrusted copy of the Magna Carta
- A winning lottery ticket
- The Donald Trump pee tape
- Ten signed first-edition copies of Harry Potter and The Philospher's Stone in mint condition
- The other €3,000 tray that WallpaperStore* also sells
Etsy Alternative
The meditation tray claims to take inspiration from Japanese tea trays. You can find page after page of both modern tea sets and genuine vintage Japanese tea trays on Etsy for a fraction of the price. Knock yourself out.
Amazonian Adventure Chocolate
What is it?
A large block of fancy chocolate, plus a tray to put the chocolate on, plus two chocolate hammers to smash the chocolate with
What they say
"For this cocoa-laced project for Wallpaper* Handmade 2015, we teamed Dutch design firm Studio Appétit with chocolate brand Oialla to create a smash and grab apparatus, allowing people to carve themselves a piece of exquisite chocolate. The rugged 500g choc block, with origins in the Amazon jungle, comes with its own geometric serving board made from African walnut and finished with a combination of CNC- and hand-carving. Two carving chisels feature different tips and wide bases cast in brass that double as hammers. "
But wait, let's hear about that chocolate:
"Crafted from the wild-harvested Beniano bean, found deep in the Amazon jungle – five flights, five hours by canoe and 15km of walking through mud away from where the final confectionery is concocted"
How much?
€2,200
Is it worth it?
So you spend more than two thousand euro on a block of (not particularly huge, judging by the photos) chocolate, and you have fun smashing it to the tune of Flight of The Bumblebee or whatever, and...then what? Can you buy refills? Do you have to trek into the Amazon to the secret chocolate workshop to get more?
I guess you could just buy a bunch of Dairy Milk bars from Tesco and melt them into a cube, but that seems like kind of a waste.
Etsy Alternative
Instead of a hammer you use to smash chocolate, what about a hammer made out of chocolate? Also comes with a horseshoe, for only €15.72 plus shipping.
Secret Society Initiation Ring
What is it?
Seriously, that's actually what it is
What they say
"Regarded as a potent symbol of divinity, the signet ring carries a talismanic charge, delivering its message by way of an emblematic seal. To make a suitably mighty mark on this year’s spiritually elevating Handmade, we worked with signet-ring maker Rebus to create our own. The seal itself was specially designed for us back in 2011 by illustrator Kam Tang and graphic designer Darren Wall, for that year’s Wallpaper* Handmade exhibition and special issue.’"
How much?
€8,975
Is it worth it?
Just so we're clear, there really is no other use for this other than to hold fake Illuminati meetings, right? Except instead of a badass seal with an eye and a black pyramid, it just has the WallpaperStore* Handmade logo on it.
Etsy Alternative
A search for "occult ring" on Etsy will let you select from every symbol, rune and emblem known to man, for prices ranging from pocket change all the way up into the thousands (this one claims to be a Victorian antique--once again, maybe think twice before pulling out the ol' credit card unless you have the background to verify that). Sure, most of them aren't made out of gold, but if you're going to wear a ring with a fancy emblem on it then why not pick one that has actual cultural and spiritual significance, instead of the logo of an online shopping outlet?
Watch out though, because some of the rings I spotted on there have neo-Nazi affiliations that aren't terribly obvious at first glance. Do your homework, and be particularly careful with runes or anything Norse-related.
Animistic Seed Jars
What is it?
Five jars with a single seed in them
What they say
"Approached by Wallpaper* to embrace our Holy Handmade! theme, designer Sebastian Herkner and Lobmeyr’s Leonid Rath wanted to create a vessel to hold and celebrate something special – and what could be more precious than nature? The result is five glass containers, each holding a precious seed. ‘We use the characteristics of the glass, its transparency and sophistication, to celebrate the power of nature,’ says Herkner. Rath and Herkner worked with FAO (the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations) to select five crop wild relatives (the close or distant cousins of the crops we grow our food from) that are threatened by climate change, in order to raise awareness about the importance of protecting them."
How much?
€14,500
Is it worth it?
The page for this product ("Lobmeyr Taking Care of Wild Relatives") prominently displays the logo of a UN agriculture organization, which made me assume initially that it was being sold as part of some sort of charity initiative.
But that doesn't actually seem to be the case. As far as I can tell, it's just a set of five glass chambers with seeds in them that you put on a shelf or a table and...use as an altar, or something? I don't know why you would blow an annual minimum wage salary on that.
Etsy Alternative
Here's a set of twenty seed jars, each containing dozens of seeds, for €65.50. On a pure seed-to-euro ratio, this is clearly a much better bargain.
Pointless Arrangement of Metal
What is it?
I don't know
What they say
"The ‘Sacred Space’ shrine is intended to express our connection with symbolic places. The painted stainless steel pavilion defines the space beneath it as sacred, giving a nod to how spirituality has been given a physical form since early nomadic cultures. We’ve added a surrealist de Chirico-esque touch to ours. What will you do with yours?"
How much?
€1,950
Is it worth it?
This thing doesn't seem to have any purpose. I don't think you're meant to hang clothes off of it or use it for storage. The description is vague and talks about shrines and sacred space, even though it has no apparent religious or spiritual connotations. The photo shows an egg, a book and a wedge of cheese sitting on it.
Are you meant to put your €14,500 seed jars on top of your €3000 tray, then put them in your €1,950 shrine? Can you imagine being the sort of person who would find the idea of owning this appealing?
Etsy Alternative
A search for "completely pointless object" wasn't very fruitful (although "late capitalism" brought up this nifty sticker). Taking the description at its word and searching for "shrine" gets hundreds of hits, returning hundreds of options from every religion and denomination imaginable, so go nuts. As far as I can tell, none of them cost two thousand euro.
Hold Onto Something, We're Going Down The Rabbit Hole
What is it?
A "ritual calendar"
What they say
"With his Ritual Calendar, Ini Archibong seeks to celebrate daily routines. His freestanding monolithic sculpture, carved from Absolute Black granite, is inspired by dolmens, altars and tribal artifacts. Produced by marble specialist Testi, the vessel holds 31 individual totems, finely crafted from Creole Beige marble and designed to fit into a pocket and be pleasing to touch. Every day of the month, a new totem is taken out of the calendar and carried in a pocket for the day, before being put back in place at night: a welcome reminder throughout the day to remain mindful. ‘Daily habits are rituals, almost like prayers to the gods of your choosing,’ says Archibong. ‘Some of these habits can be reinforced by added mindfulness, and by creating a means to facilitate this mindfulness, rituals can become effective tools to help us evolve and be more aware of our daily actions. Rituals can be paths to mastery.’"
How much?
€24,000 (no, really)
Is it worth it?
Okay, look.
If you're into the whole mindfulness thing and you find that incorporating daily practices into your routine helps keep you in the zone, then having something in your house dedicated to that purpose is perfectly reasonable. What's not reasonable is spending twenty-four thousand fucking euro on the privilege. That's more than a lot of people make in an entire year.
If you buy this, I guarantee you will spend all day worrying about losing one of the totems, which probably isn't the kind of mindfulness the designer intended.
Etsy Alternative
I was (unsurprisingly) not able to find anything exactly like the WallpaperStore* ritual calendar; searching for that exact phrase mostly just brings up Wicca and neo-pagan related goods, such as this circular doohickey or this nifty lunar calendar.
However, I really recommend that you just cut through WallpaperStore's soulless, corporatized bullshit and order this Book of Shadows for €170. Why? Because it glows in the dark and is therefore superior to every other product featured in this post.
Epilogue: Products for Empty Houses
And so we come to the end of our tour. I'm left with a lot of lingering questions, like "Why?" and "How?" and "No seriously, why?"
Two things strand out to me about WallpaperStore*'s ouvre. The first is how blatantly they commercialize the inherently nebulous and subjective idea of spirituality, as though seeking to prove stereotypes about rich people replacing religion with money. The second is how all of their products only look good when photographed against stark, minimalist backgrounds, and would surely lose most of their aesthetic sensibilities when placed in a normal home.
This is a problem I've also identified with Apple's products, as well as most makers of higher-end electronic and "lifestyle" goods. Their creations are designed to be placed reverentially in an expanse of empty space, on surfaces hand-selected for aesthetic appeal. Most people don't have access to those kinds of spaces. Most people live, work, eat and sleep on things that are old, or broken, or second-hand, or dirty or crowded. They pile dishes and books onto their desks that they inherited from their old room-mates because they don't have the time or energy to clear them off. They live in houses that were decorated by dead relatives, whose taste in wallpaper or carpets they can't afford to change.
You know who does live in spaces like that? The very wealthy. They can afford to buy new homes, or have homes built for them. They can clear out an entire room and redecorate. They can hire housekeepers to make sure everything stays tidy. WallpaperStore* and all the WallpaperStore*s of the world design for them, and all the companies that aspire to WallpaperStore*dom copy them, and so the language of design shifts to accommodate a consumer that mostly doesn't exist.
All of this got me thinking, what would it be like if WallpaperStore* was a physical location instead of an online shop?
Postscript: What it would be like if WallpaperStore* was a physical location instead of an online shop
- All of the customers seem to know each other. It's all "Oh, Morganna, I haven't seen you since the Monsanto Annual Family Fun Day!" and "I hear little Cernunnos is walking now, you simply must send me the photos" and "How is Anaximander getting on in his new job?" But not you. No one recognizes you. As soon as you enter the store, everyone looks up in unison and stares at you. A trickle of sweat runs down your spine.
- One of the sales assistants approaches and urges you, with a touch of desperation, to buy the Weed Plate and leave.
- There are no children in the store, but you hear them. Laughing. Playing. Always in the distance, behind the nearest shelf, around the nearest corner. But the sound always retreats again, just out of reach.
- You enter the Handmade section through a dark doorway. You find yourself back by the ceramics, with no memory of having walked there. An hour has passed. For the next six months, you wake during the full moon from dreams of flute music and cloven hooves.
- After browsing for some time, you realize that all of the products have labels, but the labels are blank. You watch several shoppers bend down and thoughtfully consider them, as though reading a price that isn't there.
- There is a door, marked "storage", that vanishes every time you look at it directly. You see it out of the corner of your eye--behind you, in the distance. As though it's following you. Employees emerge from it, carrying boxes the colour of blood. Finally, you hide behind a clearance bin of umbrellas shaped like swans and peek through the door before it closes. You see an endless plain of mud, littered with whale skeletons.
WallpaperStore*: free shipping on orders over €250.